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Report: Trump-Signed Alabama Football Caused White House Drama, And Now Nobody Knows Where It Is Report: Trump-Signed Alabama Football Caused White House Drama, And Now Nobody Knows Where It Is

In a performance that had many praising its avant-garde catchphrase stylings, President Trump welcomed the national champion Alabama Crimson Tide football team to the White House last month and proceeded to speak for approximately three hours about, I assume, how he’s actually glad he didn’t win the popular vote in…

The Israeli Soccer Team Renamed After Donald Trump Has A History Of Open Racism Against Arabs The Israeli Soccer Team Renamed After Donald Trump Has A History Of Open Racism Against Arabs

Beitar Jerusalem received some press Sunday when the Israeli soccer club announced that it would change its name to “Beitar Trump Jerusalem” as a gesture of appreciation for President Donald Trump for moving the U.S. Embassy to Jerusalem. (Today, Trump’s daughter Ivanka and son-in-law Jared Kushner celebrated the…

Israeli Professional Soccer Team Renamed After Greasy Huckster Israeli Professional Soccer Team Renamed After Greasy Huckster

The new U.S. Embassy in Jerusalem will be opened with a big ceremony on Monday. Ivanka and Jared will be there! I am not here to offer commentary on this development—it is deeply unpopular with basically the entire rest of the world, much like just about everything else the Trump administration has done—but to point…

Trump Forms Sports Council Featuring Bill Belichick, Lou Ferrigno, And Dr. Oz, For Some Reason Trump Forms Sports Council Featuring Bill Belichick, Lou Ferrigno, And Dr. Oz, For Some Reason

Sports genius Donald Trump has done the inevitable, again. This time, the big lad has put his close personal friend Bill Belichick on an official Presidential council. Shockingly, Belichick will not be in charge of any nuclear weaponry or an actual department of significance, which honestly would have made as much…

Report: Donald Trump Spent Quality Time Last Week Talking Football With Bill Belichick Report: Donald Trump Spent Quality Time Last Week Talking Football With Bill Belichick

In 1993, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen found time between Full House episodes to record an album called I Am the Cute One. Songs include “I Am a Kid,” “I Love to Scream,” and “No One Tells the President What to Do.” The last of those is a celebration of the truth of its title—the president can do whatever he wants, and…

You Can't Bully These Motherfuckers You Can't Bully These Motherfuckers

When I write that CNN politics writer Chris Cillizza is the rankest assbrain in the Western Hemisphere, I am not being nice to him. When I write that God clowned Chris Cillizza before he was born by making him Chris Cillizza instead of a shit-eating maggot, I am being unkind. When I say that Chris Cillizza himself is…

Father Of Future American Wonderteen Barron Trump Tries To Threaten His Way To A North American World Cup  Father Of Future American Wonderteen Barron Trump Tries To Threaten His Way To A North American World Cup 

The father of noted Arsenal fan and possible future of American soccer Barron Trump, Donald Trump, took a break from caring about a black person tonight and delivered a message about the U.S.’s joint World Cup bid that should be not-at-all off-putting to the voters in the countries it’s meant to address.

Annoyingly Coy Report: Eagles Owner Jeffrey Lurie Called Donald Trump's Presidency "Disastrous" Annoyingly Coy Report: Eagles Owner Jeffrey Lurie Called Donald Trump's Presidency "Disastrous"

Buried near the end of this New York Times article about the Super Bowl champion Philadelphia Eagles talking to the White House about planning a visit is a tidbit about team owner Jeffrey Lurie “using a vulgarity” to call Donald Trump’s presidency “disastrous.” That quote seems like it’d be more important than two…

Who Does This Alleged Trump Goon Remind You Of? Who Does This Alleged Trump Goon Remind You Of?

Lawyers for Stormy Daniels released a sketched drawing of a man that Daniels says threatened her in a parking lot in 2011 after her alleged affair with Donald Trump. The goon is described as being a handsome fellow between 5-foot-9 and 6-foot, with a “lean but fit” profile.

Pro-Trump Spurs Fans Willingly Show Their Asses, Complain About Gregg Popovich's Politics Pro-Trump Spurs Fans Willingly Show Their Asses, Complain About Gregg Popovich's Politics

The Washington Post today published a Cletus safari of Donald Trump supporters, but with a twist—these people are also fans of the San Antonio Spurs, whose coach, Gregg Popovich, isn’t shy about giving his liberal takes to the press. Popovich’s criticism of the president—and not the fact that the seventh-seeded Spurs…

President Of The United States, Weirdly: "Roll Tide"

It’s hard to believe, but it’s true—Donald Trump has only been President of the United States for 13 years. The time has gone by so quickly, one day screaming incoherently into the next over and over and faster and faster, and yet it has also somehow been the same endless shitty/terrifying Tuesday for that entire…

Windswept Honey Bun Boards Presidential Aircraft Windswept Honey Bun Boards Presidential Aircraft

President Donald Trump’s workday on Thursday included two actual things. That day officially began at 11 a.m., per his public schedule, when Trump received his daily intelligence briefing. There’s no telling how long this takes, as Trump famously likes his briefings short and colorful and chart-based; there is no…

Is Donald Trump Really "The Michael Jordan Of Political Nicknames?" Is Donald Trump Really "The Michael Jordan Of Political Nicknames?"

Chris Cillizza’s job isn’t as easy as it seems, although it also isn’t nearly difficult enough to justify the salary he receives for doing it. What that job is even supposed to be is kind of a moving target, to be honest, but much of what Cillizza does in his current position as a political reporter and…

How America's Largest Local TV Owner Turned Its News Anchors Into Soldiers In Trump's War On The Media

Earlier this month, CNN’s Brian Stelter broke the news that Sinclair Broadcast Group, owner or operator of nearly 200 television stations in the U.S., would be forcing its news anchors to record a promo about “the troubling trend of irresponsible, one sided news stories plaguing our country.” The script, which parrots…

Terry Funk Scouts The Budding Brawl Between “Two Assholes” Trump And Biden Terry Funk Scouts The Budding Brawl Between “Two Assholes” Trump And Biden

So Donald Trump and Joe Biden are cutting promos again.

Report: UConn Trick-Shot QB-Turned-Trump Valet Was Fired For Gambling Habit

Johnny McEntee—who first got our attention with his sweet tricks as a backup quarterback at UConn back in 2011 and more recently took the job of personal assistant to President Donald Trump—was reportedly fired from his White House gig because of a gambling problem.

Where Is Donald Trump Even Getting This Shit? Where Is Donald Trump Even Getting This Shit?

There is the version of Donald Trump that everyone gets served, and it is an extremely luxurious experience—a thick and luridly salty braise of all-beef bombast served smothered in a chunky and flavorless dressing that looks like ranch but tastes like vinegar and forgetfulness. It is fatty and extremely bad for you;…

Bucs And Manchester United Owner Ed Glazer Will Host A Big Trump Reelection Fundraiser Bucs And Manchester United Owner Ed Glazer Will Host A Big Trump Reelection Fundraiser

Ed Glazer, whose family owns the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Manchester United, will host an exclusive fundraiser for Donald Trump tonight at his house in Beverly Hills. The President’s schedule and plans in Southern California are shrouded in secrecy, but he’ll spend the evening at Glazer’s $22.7 million home trying to…

It's Bad To Waterboard People It's Bad To Waterboard People

This seems like it should be pretty self-explanatory.

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